and I think Im totally fine with that

I hate myself

School starts tomorrow, and I have absolutely no idea what Im going to do. Absolutely none. I’m actually scared. 

I don’t. and nothing can help me right now.

YOUR MIND

These few months have been eye-opening. The things I’ve learned though felt as if I’ve known them all along. Which I have. People hate me, they always have hated me. I just don’t understand why they act like they like me though. I don’t think I’m a bad person nor am I anyone to hate. I can be the best friend you’ve ever had..but do me wrong and I can be the worst friend you’ve ever had. That’s besides the point though. I would never do you bad in the first place so my vindictiveness doesn’t come as a trait of mine. I’m not sad about the fact that people, in life, are going to despise me. I just want to hit myself for not seeing it sooner. I just always see the best in people. It’s hard not too. People are so great sometimes and maybe I just look more deeply into people then I should. Maybe I should just stick to the core. Then I’d be protecting myself. I’ve been fucked over, and I’m sure everyone has. I also believe that I’ve gone through enough fuckery, and it’s time for some good fortune to show up. And not just some producer to sweep me off my feet. I mean yes that’s wonderful that that has happened to me, and I’m so grateful. I understand though that now it’s my turn to uphold my part of the deal. I don’t really know what’s stopping me. I have all the ambition in the world, but I guess that’s why I’m writing in here. I’m out of motivation. Inspiration. I have nothing to live for but myself. I hate that feeling. My thoughts are filled with substance useless to me at the moment. My creatively isn’t flowing as it should be. And I’ve officially turned my shoulder to the cold world. To be honest, I care about all the people that have done me wrong. but there’s a line to it, it becomes my loyalty to myself or to you. Quite frankly that isn’t even a question. I hope you enjoy your path. You were always that spider on the wall anyway. Unoticed, and when it is, then it’s killed and forgotten forever. Ta ta!

I met two dj’s that will soon be producing tracks for me, three producers, and the producers stars, then they took me clubbing, vip, then a strip club, and the night began in another vip area. I just feel so blessed right now. Free alc, free admission, and im under 18 nigga. I’m in heaven right now.

I don’t feel like explaining. just needed to say it.

I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE CAN’T ACT CIVIL WITH ME. GAWD. but really, why can’t people just be reaaaaaaaaaaaal

Everyone has to have one, it’s that one more step over the line of hurting me, one more step over the line of saying something you know you’ll regret. Underestimation will never do you any good, Overestimation will..that way you will be prepared for everything that will come. Well, I’m just really glad you’re stupid enough to be the one who takes the Underestimation route. That look on your face will be even more priceless. God I hate competitive bitches. Don’t you see who wins here? I will only stay in the background for so long, and that is because I don’t feel the need to flaunt myself all over the table. Metaphorical table. Still, just the fact that I don’t want some stupid girl up on stage giving my senior year speech, and all those times you tried to make me your puppy. like bitch what do you think this is, a pound? No, obviously I’m not going to listen to you. I’m not your bitch and you obviously don’t think any other human has a mind of their own because you rule the fucking world. Please, you’re just an awkward international student who has lived in a shitty ass place your whole life, who hasn’t experienced shit except late nights studying, with an unbelievably disgusting taste in music, and a fun to laugh AT (not with) personality. So you can stick your fake apology up your ass. P.S. you don’t even play fair.

and that’s not something I’m sure you want to start.